Move over, cafeteria food, sexiles and midterms: Getting hard might just be the hardest part of university life … at least to one University of California Santa Barbara student who wanted nothing more than to bust a nut despite his homebody roommate.


The student — clad with the ever-appropriate burner username u/Need2cummmm — headed to r/UCSantaBarbara on Sunday looking for answers about how and where he could beat his meat without disturbing his roomie … or covering communal areas in the inevitable mountain of jizz accumulated after almost a month of no wanking.



“One of my roommates is an international student who just skips class and plays League of Legends in our room for a literal minimum of 16 hours a day,” he explained, noting that the roomie in question “even gets his groceries delivered and eats all his meals at his desk.” “He literally never leaves the room for more than like 5 minutes (10 minutes if he decides to shower that day).”


While he’s admitted that he has considered jerking it in the shower like a normal adult, their shared layout makes such nearly impossible … well, at least without a whole lot of shame and guilt.


“The only other place that I thought I could masturbate in is the shared bathrooms, but nutting on the public shower floor just seems so disgusting and heinous,” u/Need2cummmm continued. “It's been like 3 weeks at this point and I can literally feel a pressure inside my pubic region whenever I sit down. Does anyone know a place I can go to masturbate? Seriously.”


As some offered several suggestions of using several semi-private restrooms around campus and like, actually getting laid — “Hop on tinder,” commented u/KillKrillion — u/hydroflasktotheknee. postured that a faux therapy session could solve his problems.


“Tell him you can have a therapy zoom appointment or something private and ask if he can leave you alone in room [sic] for 30 min,” they wrote.


Meanwhile, u/PM_ME_WHAT_YOU_DREAM took an entrepreneurial approach to  u/Need2cummmm’s quandary.  


“You can use my bathroom at a rate of $1/nut,” they offered.


We can only hope that u/Need2cummmm finally got their needs taken care of — though UCSB’s colors may be various shades of blue, his balls most definitely do not need to show school spirit.